About saying good-bye and smiling hello and ancient grounds and cheap cheese and life and peace and gratitude...

You know what happens, don't you? Stuff happens, big stuff, trivial stuff, I have thoughts and feelings about it all, can't for the life of me put it all into words other than the rambling that happens with close friends and loved ones, then I try to write about it all, grind to a sludgy halt when the feels start and end up with 7 unpublished posts. Sometimes I suck at blogging.

Not that sucking at blogging is going to stop me from trying. For all I know, this may be unpublished post #8. Then again, it might not. And that is worth the effort.

I am in Massachusetts with Brian and his family. I love it here. Every time I write that, I feel an insistent urge to point out that I also love my home in Quebec. Which I do. I am discovering that there is a bit of guilt attached to leaving home there and finding home here with Brian. I am a woman between two lands. Which sounds much more dramatic than it actually is. What it actually is, is confusing and uncomfortable and interesting and bittersweet and lovely and sad. It's deep (what exactly does it mean to be a Canadian living in the U.S?) and simple (whoa, look at the price of CHEESE here!) It's celebratory (I am a 2 minute walk from Dunkin donuts AND from a huge, lovely bush behind the house that I can wander about in for HOURS!) and sorrowful (I keep dreaming about my mother, and our house on Linda St. in Ormstown.)

I am fully aware that I am in denial about some aspects of moving here. My head keeps reminding me that I am going to be leaving my best friend and soul sister, and my family, while my heart frowns and grumbles, "Shut up...we're not there yet!" Grace is moving to England, and I know that I cannot cheer my child on as she moves out on her own adventure if I am thinking about her being so far away. So I don't think about it. Well, okay, of course I think about it. But I don't THINK about it. We're not there yet, either.

One thing I do feel very clearly is peaceful. Yesterday I went for a walk in a cemetery that is just down the road from us. It's a lovely place, with tall trees and quiet. As I walked, I thought that it felt old and full of memory, which I think might be a Lord of the Rings quote about Fangorn forest. In any case, it fit.

It was peaceful, and I felt at home. There was a time when places like this, or the woods behind it were the only places I felt at peace. Not any more. The peace that is within me reaches out and rejoices in peaceful places and circumstances, but it does not rely on them. It is a peace that I don't understand and could never have manufactured for myself. It is real and persistent and solid and good.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

There are a lot of big changes coming up. There are going to be extravagant gifts and gut wrenching losses.  It is the nature of life.  There are no gains without losses, no love without pain, no hello without good-bye, no laughter without tears, no joy without sorrow. Still, there is peace.  Jesus is like that. He is like that in us. And He is like that in me.

So where am I now, with everything that is going on? I am at the place that I always end up. I am at the lovely, nurturing, soul-sustaining place of gratitude.

And I couldn't be happier.

Just a thought.

I said yes!

Well.  So, stuff has been happening. Good stuff.  Like, I went to visit Brian and his family in Massachusetts (which I have finally learned how to spell w/o spellcheck - yay me!) and the first night that I was there, he took me upstairs to his bedroom, told me to close my eyes and hold out my hands, and when I opened my eyes I was holding a large rock that had "Will you marry me?" engraved in it. Brian was standing in front of me, smiling, holding 2 smaller rocks, one in each hand. One said yes, the other said no.

I picked the "Yes" one.

*squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*


I know that I haven't been writing much, especially since I met Brian. I think there are a couple of reasons for that. One reason is that I wanted to protect this relationship.  I don't know whether I needed to or not, and Brian would say that it is his place to protect me, not the other way around. Still, I am protective.  I have seen the damage that can be done when a relationship comes under attack, and while I don't want to dwell there, I felt like I needed to be guarded. I share my entire life, quite freely, with my closest and most trusted people.  I have learned to be careful who I trust.  Jesus once said, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6  This is not about being snarky or bitter. I am at peace, and examine my heart often to root out any seeds of bitterness that might be there. It is about wisdom. About treasuring this incredible person that God has led into my life, and not allowing the darkness in.

The other reason I haven't been writing much lately is because I want to live these days, without the distraction of  recording them.  It's the same reason why I don't have a lot of pictures of my visits with Brian. Or of Christmas mornings. Or of Grace's school pageants. I want to be fully present for what is going on.  I want to experience my time with Brian or Grace's special moments, or even a sunset, through all of my senses. Not through the lenses of a camera. Or the microscope of a blog entry.   So I've been soaking in every moment of getting to know this amazing man, and his remarkable family.  I feel so loved and welcome, and I love and treasure these people. I only get one chance to live these things. I can always write about them later.

Brian is a remarkable man, in so many ways.  He has given me permission to write about him freely, and I am so grateful for his trust and faith in me. He is a godly man, who wants to know and follow God above all, who is humble and kind and funny and romantic and strong. He loves to take care of me, and he does it in a way that empowers me to do more than I ever thought I could.  When I am with him, I feel loved and safe, and happy. I pray that God will give me many, many years of making Brian Misner happy, in every way that I can.  

For the rest of my 2 and 1/2 week visit, at coffee shops and church and in stores and at family gatherings, Brian kept going up to people and announcing, "She said yes!"  Then he would wrap me up in his arms, and in the safety and warmth and love of his embrace, I would say it again. And again. And again.

Yes.