Thursday, November 27, 2008


Well, I do believe I am unlocked! It appears that I am a human being after all, not a diabolical computer bent on wreaking chaos and mayhem in google blogland. Whew.

It also appears that my 2 week remission from IC (Interstitial cystitis, or as one friend called it, my pee pee problem) is over. Every once in a while, and lately more often than usual, I get a break from the pain and inconvenience of IC and I am always grateful. The gratitude helps when the remission is over, as well. It keeps me from falling into a crumpled heap on my bed awash in self-pity over my lot in life, which just happens to include the pain that I am in now. Self-pity is not a friendly thing, although I do confess to the odd indulgence. It never helps, and in fact makes things much worse. It's a bit odd, because when other people have compassion for me, acknowledge my pain and give recognition to the struggles of life with IC , I feel validated and understood and cared for. When I become self-focused and think too much about my pain and the struggles of life with IC, I begin to stumble into self-pity which seems to magnify the pain rather than lessen it.

One of the principles of the Christian faith is that God cares for us and loves us, and as we are so loved, we are free to look outward and love others with the love that sustains us. That's the way it is supposed to be, when God's people really believe that He loves them no matter what and trust that love. It gets a bit twisted when we begin to think that He loves us because we are good, or are doing what He wants us to do. Then we get self-righteous and uppity and miserable, judging others as lovable or unlovable based on whether or not they are doing what we think they should be doing. Yeah. Not nice. God loves when we obey Him because it shows Him that we love and respect Him, and because obedience is good for us. It keeps us safe. I remember a pastor once telling me that we do not break the laws of God, we illustrate them, just as we cannot break the law of gravity by jumping off of a building. When we hit the ground, we have illustrated the law of gravity. To our detriment. So, yes, obedience is very important. But God's love is unconditional, available to us even when we rebel against Him. He honors our choices, even if the choice is to live life without Him, and to die without Him, and to face eternity without Him. The freedom He gives us is an element of His great love for us. It also breaks His heart. His love is real. He saves us because He delights in us...and that truth gives me joy. I obey Him because I love Him....or at least that is the goal.

So, if God delights in me, then I can look outward and love others and somehow I am made whole even in this weak body. It's a daily choice. Sometimes I do chose self-pity. The results are familiar, though, and it usually isn't long before I give it up and go back to allowing God to take care of me. I am blessed to have some very special and honest friends who, through their constant love and faithfulness, have earned the right and responsibility to let me know when self-pity and self-focus are messing with my mind and spirit.

Life hurts. That's a pretty universal truth. I don't want to just learn how to cope with it. I don't want to "manage" my illness, or just get by. I love the fact that God takes what was meant to tear us down and destroy us, and uses it to open our hearts even wider, to fill us with more faith and to teach us how to have compassion, how to love in new and deeper ways. I love the definition of compassion that I heard once...compassion is your pain in my heart.

So, yeah, the remission is over. It was a great two weeks. **wink**

No comments:

My Zimbio