Saturday, August 21, 2010

It has been more than a month since I have written in either of my blogs. A lot can happen in a month. Mostly every day things that I find interesting because they are my mundanities, but still. We've been having computer/internet problems, but the break from the net wasn't entirely unwelcome. Well, okay, it wasn't welcome at all, but it wasn't awful. Warm summer mornings were spent sitting outside w/coffee and toast, sharing w/the chickens and enjoying the early sun rather than hunched over the computer checking out who had insomnia the night before and fooling myself into thinking that anyone cared how well I slept.

I was beginning to feel a bit of a writing backlog happening in my brain, though. Now that I can actually blog, I'm a bit stuck. Where to start?

I will say I discovered some unsettling things about myself this past month. I have anxiety issues. And anger issues. Or, screw the psychobabble - I get stomach turning, mind clouding scared at odd times and I also get really, psycho mad when there it just doesn't make sense to be really psycho mad. I think I understand the anger. I have been hurt by people I have trusted, loved ones who received the best I had to offer, such as it was, and turned it into weapons to be used against me. I thought I was packing some scars, but apparently some of those scars are in fact unhealed cuts. Of course the assumption I made, and I understand others will make it as well, is that I haven't forgiven. Remember, forgiveness doesn't remove the wounds, it simply leaves us free to begin healing. So I am still healing. And sometimes, some things trigger rage reactions in me that can be quite upsetting. Another piece of the puzzle!

The fear is harder to understand, but it has been there longer. I don't know that I want to understand it. I want it fixed. For the past few years I have been challenged in many different ways and am remarkably unafraid of many things that used to freak me out. Still I live with a nameless sense of anxiety, a burning in my stomach that is exhausting. One thing I do know - the Bible says that perfect love casts out fear. God has been leading me ever forward in allowing His Spirit to love perfectly through me and in me, and so I know this fear/anger thing will not last.

I'm glad to be writing again. It feels like home. You know what else feels like home? There are four roosters on my front lawn, challenge-crowing. Now THAT feels like home!

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