Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Permission to get angry, Captain...

If you are a regular reader of this blog, and you managed to make it though the abject foolishness of last week-end's posts, I don't know whether to thank you, or apologize profusely. 

I know that we just all want to move on.  But, I also know that the majority of you will forgive me if I head back into this issue one more time.  I just don't feel like I can move on yet.  The comments and posts of the week-end were not simply issue debates or a sharing of opinions.  For me, it was personal.  Someone walked boldly into my space, with the confidence that can only accompany ignorance and religious self-righteousness, and told me and all my readers that I deserved to be physically harmed as a punishment for talking back/disagreeing with/being rude to another person. They also maintained that my daughter deserved the same treatment.  And the worst part of it all, they claimed that God approved.  Someone that I might stand behind in line at the grocery store, that I might walk past on the street, that might sit near me in church, believes that I am no more than a disobedient dog that deserves to be chained and hurt.  I am horrified.  Sickened.  And furious.

I have spent the past few days trying not to admit to my anger.  Anger is a scary thing for an abuse victim.  If an abuse victim gets angry after being violated, abusers will often use that anger to justify the attack.  Forget that the anger came after the attack.  Logic is not usually a strong point for abusive people.  And religious, abusive people will say that either God knew that she was secretly angry and she needed to be punished, or that his anger is a sign of an evil/dysfunctional spirit and he needs to be treated harshly.  Because flying into a hysterical rage because someone doesn't agree with your opinion about a certain issue is waaaay more rational and sane than becoming angry at a physical/emotional assault.  *rolls eyes*  I guarrantee that my commenter will look at the fact that I am angry about his/her comments as an indication that I am guilty and out of God's will for my life. 
But then there's what God has to say about, not just the issue, but about me and my situation.  Years ago, when the abuse first started, God gave me Psalms 18 as an encouragement and a promise.  He did see what was going on.  No one was going to get away with anything.  And yes, abuse makes God angry. Very angry.  Just listen...

"I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies.
 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

 In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

 The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
 The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.
 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me."
Psalm 18:3 - 19

This passage is special to me for many reasons, but it was a few years before I realized just how personal God had made it.  Because I have coronary artery spasms, stress is a major trigger of angina for me.  Stress messes with the IC as well, but that's just painful, not deadly.  Under intense stress, my arteries spasm partially closed, lessening the amount of blood that can reach my heart.  The heart attack I had was caused by an artery that was damaged from previous spasms, spasming closed and cutting of the blood supply to part of my heart.  It's a very real risk again. 
When this passage speaks of cords of death coiled around and entangling the psalmist, that is exactly what an angina attack feels like to me.  Like I am being suffocated, by a rope around my throat.  Not only is a coil of death threatening to close off my arteries, but I feel it, in my throat.  It is very frightening. 
God assures me, through these verses, that He sees what is happening, and that I am not without a hero.  Read the description of His decent from Heaven again.  Close your eyes. Imagine it.  Angry doesn't begin to describe it.  Smoke rising from His nostrils.  Consuming fire coming from His mouth.  He thunders and roars and rages into battle.  Why? Because one of His children is being attacked. 
I have been protected.  I have much less angina than I used to, and I believe I am on a road, albeit zigzaggy, to improvements in my IC symptoms as well.  Within a few months of leaving my home with nothing, God provided an apartment that Grace & I love, more furniture and household stuff than we need, a new church with a pastor that supports, guides and encourages us, a great community with new experiences, new people, and new challenges to face, a job that I was created for and that I physically can manage, and most importantly, healing and growth in Him.  I have watched my child grow into a beautiful, compassionate, loving young disciple of Christ, and we have the most wonderful conversations about God and His ways in our lives.  Even my mother's death was preceded by the most intimate, loving mother-daughter time that I have ever had with my mum, and as painful as it was, I remember her life with joy and look forward to being reunited with her one day.  I also enjoy an even closer relationship with my sisters.  God has truly met all my needs, and has blessed us with so much over the past year, I can hardly begin to describe it.

So yes, being told that I deserved what I got angers me.  It should.  It makes God angry, too.  I am angry because I love, though, and that's the difference for me.  It is obvious that the commenter was angry, too.  No one quotes scripture and spouts accusations with that kind of venom without some deep-seated anger going on.  The thing that really angers me?  I know how much damage those lies have done to my ex-husband.  I know how confusing they can be for people still in abusive situations, who may be reading this blog.  I fear for the children, the helpless, the hurt people that may be under this person's influence.  This stuff is dangerous.  Seriously.

And I am furious at the fact that Pharisees and religious self-rightous church-people like this drag weak, lost, confused, sinful people before Jesus, calling for death and punishment for sins they themselves commit in secret. Then, they claim that Jesus delivers death rather than life, hate rather than love, punishment rather than mercy.  I hate that they try to re-invent Jesus in their image, rather than allowing themselves to be transformed into His glorious Love. 

I am also grateful.  That I am surrounded by people who do not need to be "manipulated" by me into believing that abuse is wrong.  That God's truth is a trillion times louder than these filthy lies.  And that I have been given the power...and the responsibility...to make sure that no one will ever read again, on this blog, that they deserve to be abused. 

I have chosen Life, for myself and my daughter, and I have never regretted it.  And in Christ, I live.

Praise His Holy Name!!!


Anonymous said...

Kelly, Your insperartional. I'm not religious and you very well know this but I live with an open mind. And to think that some people acuse you for the things that were in the past done to you because YOU deserved it is seriosuly FUCKING sick. Mind my language. I would like to give this anonymouse person a tip of my tongue. I lived with Verbal abuse and alcohalizm and that alone was extreamly stressfull, it affect my views, health and academics while growing up. Obviously this person has now clue what any sort of abuse is like, and if they do then they are sugar coating it or creating lies to make it sound ok in the name of god. I can't beleive this. And not only this but they are to pathetic to say who the fuck they are? Maybe it's because they're scared that someone would retaliate towords them, or that god would no long accept them. And I'm going to assume they think that just because they asked for god's forgiveness that he'll give it to them. He might, but I know I wont and may I ponder this once more, if I'm angered by this then I bet a whole lot of other people are as well. which is why they stay Annonymous, afraid that people will dissagree with them. I don't regret anything I've said, this includes my sailor mouth. And I don't know this person, but hey if you want a view and a half about abuse lets talk over tea some time MR/Miss.Annonymous, My name is Amber Simpson and I'm not at all religious or scared to point out my views. BTW My motto is what goes around comes around and this does/will apply to you one day, on what scale or level well depends on how long you continue to harrash Kelly, and this is harrashment and a form of abuse so why don't you get the guts to man up to Kelly and name your self. Because seriosuly this is getting old.

Kelly said...

Oh Amber, thank you sweetie! You are pretty inspirational yourself! I love your passion! Your comment made me feel very cared about. I do believe that God would gladly forgive the anonymous commenter, just like he has forgiven me for the tons of things I've done wrong, but to be forgiven, we need to really understand that we've done wrong, admit it to God and ask forgiveness. And yes, He then often wants us to do something to heal the damage that we have done, if we can. Which, as you have pointed out, isn't going to happen anonymously.

I so appreciate you and your spirit, and it's good to know that the victims of bullying in your world have you on their side!!! {{{hugs}}}

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