Becoming Real

You know, I used to think that it was sad, being in my mid-forties and only just beginning to find out who I really am. Now, I wonder if it can happen any earlier than that.  They say being yourself gets easier as we get older, because we don't care what other people think. I'm not sure that I don't care what other people think. I am just learning to give other people permission to think what ever they want and still be okay. It's the same thing I want people to do for me. Odd, how learning to accept that some people will not like me or approve or my choices has led to my feeling free to make choices that honor my God and myself and my child, regardless of what people think.  I used to believe that the problem was them.  Yet, here I was, fussing and fuming over their choice to not like me, disapproving of their disapproval of me. Would I like people to like me? Well, yes! But I accept that not everyone will. And that's okay. And not a snarky, dismissive okay, either. It really is okay.

 This is totally a God thing for me.  Because "Kelly-without-God" would be hiding under her bed right now, clutching a bottle of gin in one hand and Xanax in the other.  And probably a cat.  Okay, most definitely a cat. Or two.

I am just beginning to really be comfortable with the me that I am discovering.  Thanks to spiritual mentors like Brennan Manning (author of The Ragamuffin Gospel), I am being awash in the truth that, like everyone else, I am utterly, absolutely, passionately, sacrificially, totally and wonderfully loved by God.  God loves me as I am, not as I should be. I believe this, Lord, help me believe it more.  God has created us to be relational creatures, designed specifically for relationship with Him, and with each other. Often, we discover important aspects of ourselves by seeing ourselves through the eyes of another.  I am experiencing this, as I see myself through Brian's eyes.  I am often stunned into silence by the Kelly that he tells me that he sees. Is she even real? Is she my potential? Is it just Skype static?

From Shannyl Munson, Myspace

My Mum told me once that I over-analyse everything. She was, of course, right. So I am trying not to over-analyze this. I am learning to just be.  And if I make mistakes, then I am "she who makes mistakes". If I get confused about who I am for a while, then that is who I am.  If love pours out of me like milk in a child's cup, or whiskey in a shot glass, or water to a parched soul, then that is who I am. God, through those who love me, is inviting me to relax fully into who He has created me to be, in this place, at this time.  I can receive God's love with grace and gratitude when it comes to my spirit from Him. Now, I am learning to receive it when it comes from the hands and heart of my love.  Sometimes I receive it tentatively.  Sometimes, with joyful abandon.

Always, I choose to receive it though, even if it hurts. And the truth is that sometimes, allowing myself to be unconditionally, deeply and truly loved by another, hurts. It hurts because it stirs memories of wounds newly healed. It hurts because it shines a light on my own places of self-centredness, and the awful possibility (probability?) of one day hurting the precious heart that is loving me so freely. It hurts because it is too lovely, too rich, too free, too miraculous for this world. It is rooted in another realm, where a God will die to draw His children to Him, where Love is the fuel that lights the sun and moon, where Hope is eternal, where riches are paving stones and the most precious things are the Lord of the city and the people that He loves.

All I keep thinking is how grateful I am. I read this quote recently, and it reminding me of the wonder of this lovely story from Grace's childhood, The Velveteen Rabbit. How unfathomably wonderful and painful and mysterious  it is, to be in the process of becoming real...

"It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” ― The Velveteen Rabbit