On Grief and Mourning

Well, I have to admit, I am not doing well. Yeah, I don't know what "doing well" would be at this point, but whatever it is, I'm pretty sure I'm not doing it.

I am overwhelmed. And exhausted. And in too much pain to even try to distract myself from it. I just want to sit and cry. And then lie down and cry.

There are a lot of things going on in my life, and I am glad for it all. I love the people in my life who live with me and need me. I love being in school, learning and being challenged. I am enjoying writing the papers and doing the work, although I have to admit sometimes the pressure of getting them done makes me want to crawl under my bed, as I recently expressed in a note to my history teacher, pleading for an extension on a paper due date. I know that if it wasn't for my people and school, I probably would be spending my life in bed. So it's all good.

But I'm not. I feel a constant sense of pressure in my chest. Sometimes my heart begins to race for no reason, often at night. I have times where no matter how hard I try, I cannot concentrate on what I am doing. I can't handle anyone else's anger. I am anxious all the time. It's a nameless anxiety, just a feeling really, but it is wildly uncomfortable.

I feel really, really alone, too. The one person who should be at my side has called me twice since my Mum died to "confront me about my issues" and tell me what a screw-up I am. One phone call was just days after Mum's death. So I know that I am better off dealing with this alone. But that just makes me feel sadder.

I think the hardest part of this is that even just saying all of this, I feel like I am whining. Knowing what I know about mourning, knowing that I would be honored to be available to listen to someone else's pain, knowing even that this is what this project is all about, and if I don't do this honestly and bravely, I shouldn't be doing it at all, still I feel like I shouldn't be doing it.

I'm doing it anyway because I am going by what I know, not only by what I feel.

On Friday I am going to see my cardiologist. We made the appointment in August. He wanted to see, once the stress of starting school passed, if the angina would settle down. Now September feels like ages ago. In any case, the appointment is coming at a good time.

I miss my mom. I don't know what Christmas will be like without her. A huge part of the Christmas traditions that I have upheld in my home, with my family, come from her. No matter how rough things were financially, she always managed somehow to keep Christmas. I have ornaments from my childhood trees that she gave me when I left home.

The cool thing about living my life following God is that I don't need to know how I am going to make it through something. I just need to keep moving forward. God will lead me through.