Friday, January 20, 2012

In My Dreams...

I had a strange dream last night. It's a recurring one, and while the details change, the theme is always the same. In last night's dream, I was walking down a country road on a warm summer afternoon. I was alone, and trying to get somewhere on time. There was something wrong with one of my legs, and I was walking with a painful limp. Every step was a struggle, and I knew I had ten miles to go before I reached my destination. I can't remember where my destination was, only how far away it was, how important it was to get there on time, and how upset the people who were there would be with me if I was late. But I could not, for the life of me, get my pain-filled legs to go faster. So I just kept limping down the road, fighting panic at the hopelessness of ever getting to where I was going, but walking on, regardless.

I think the dream reflects some of the anxiety I feel at times about the constant pain that I live with. The pain is such a normal part of my life, I don't even notice it unless it increases in intensity for a time. The limitations that come with chronic illnesses aren't always understood or appreciated by others, and the people-pleaser in me finds that painful. Still, I have learned to accept it, and to look to God for affirmation and strength, not to people. God is both incredibly graceful to me, while still challenging me to move past my limitations, in the right measure, in the right time, for the right reasons.

I have to admit, there is a small cloud hanging over my head today, the vague, shadowy memory of that walk down a country road, trying and trying to get somewhere, be something that the pain just wouldn't allow. If I am to be truly honest, those nameless, faceless people waiting for me to arrive may be another part of myself, the part that gets so frustrated, that wants so badly to be normal.

If I meet myself on that road again tonight, I'm bringing me a glass of iced tea. And maybe a lawn chair. :D

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