Monday, June 4, 2012

A Test Post & An Epiphany

Well, I suppose this is a test post, as I will be using it to find out if I am still blocked by Facebook.  Funny thing, that.  When I first discovered that my blog had been reported as abusive, I felt a bit sick.  As much as I wanted to think of it as an obvious mistake, the fact is, it could have been intentional.  Past experience has taught me that.  Then, my inner sense of righteous indignation kicked in. Visions of anti-censorship blog posts danced...okay, stomped around in my head. That didn't last long, though.  To be honest, who has the energy?  I don't.  I was, like, "Meh..."  Besides, one friend suggested that I simply post the blog entries as notes, and another friend bypassed the system all together and managed to post my blog link anyway.  I have brilliant friends. 

So, I had a bit of an epiphany this week-end.  Week-ends are hard for me.  I always feel extra lonely, I always miss my mom more, and I always feel down and discouraged on week-ends.  It has taken me a while to clue into this tendency.  I don't even dread week-ends.  The melancholy always catches my by surprise.  I realized this week-end that being an introvert makes grief and mourning really difficult.  I mean, I know that grief and mourning are always difficult.  But for me, there are different challenges that come with being an introvert.  For one thing, I find it hard to reach out for help or companionship when the sadness hits.  At times when I most need to be out and with people, my melancholy mood makes me want to hide in my apartment, hugging a cat and crying.  I cannot easily distract myself.

 I am too inner focused to escape my sorrow, or the things that are going through my mind.  My Mum told me once that I analyse everything. She was right. One of my favorite verses in Scripture is the last part of 2 Corinthians 10:5 -"...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Without the discipline that I have grown into over the years of walking with God, my mind would be a very scary place.  I do tend to analyse, ponder and examine things much too intensely. When I am sad or hurt, it takes all the strength that I have to discipline my mind so that I don't get lost in the memories and the relentless desire to figure out why things happen the way that they do.

Social interaction is difficult for me in the best of times. When I am down, it seems impossible.  One misconception about introverts is that they don't like or need people.  This just isn't true.  We love people.  It's just that interacting with people on a social level is work for us.  It may be pleasurable work, but it is still work.  I walk away from social activities exhausted.  Happy, but exhausted. When I am down, I don't have the energy to be social.  But I still have the need, the desire. 

I'm not really sure what to do with this new insight into my self.  Maybe knowing about it is half the battle.  Maybe I should force myself out into the world.  Maybe, maybe maybe...maybe I could just give it to God and let it go.  Just a thought.

So...let's see if Facebook has really released me from the catagory of perverts, bigots and bullies...

Here's hoping.  :)

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