Monday, November 19, 2012

Settling Down...

Figuring out the webcam...Jean-Luc is not impressed.
Okay, so I know it has been too long since I have written in my blog, because I had to visit the blog to check out my last post, to make sure I don't repeat myself.  It has been a while.

Things are going well.  I did sprain my ankle and the muscles in the right side of my chest a week ago last Saturday, so I've been hobbling and muttering the handy "Christian" version of swear words whenever I bend over and re-pull my chest muscles.  "Ah...ow..oh, fer cryin' alive...oh FUDGE!!!"

Needless-to-say, my last two yoga classes were a blast.  I was a little bummed, because the last two classes were when we did our fitness re-evaluations and practical yoga test. While I was able to do the test with a combo of approximate movements and verbal explanations of what I would be doing if I wasn't broken, the fitness re-evaluation was a bust. Still, I know that I have improved in strength and flexibility, as well as endurance, and I was able to add another seven lost pounds to the 25 that I lost over the summer.  So all was not lost.

I have been spending a lot of time working on assignments, papers and studying for tests.  If I didn't know how to pray before, this macroeconomics class would be a crash course!  I have to admit that when it comes to academic things, especially the subjects that I am interested in, I am not used to having to struggle so much. Basically what I do with the macroeconomics is try to cram all the information and formulas into my head, and then just take a chance on what is actually going to be available to me during an exam.  To be honest, it all feels like a crap shoot.  Except for the prayer part.

Of course, I am not alone.  One of the funniest moments of our last test was just before the teacher arrived, when the entire class looked around and realized that even if we were inclined to cheat, no one was sitting beside anyone they could actually cheat off of.  Except for me.  I sit beside Russell, and he's a macroeconomic genius.  Alas, I am convinced that I will be much more content with my strangled prayers of desperation and a mere pass than I would with a 90% from a cheat. As if my getting a 90% in macroeconomics wouldn't set off alarm bells all over the place. Like, seriously.

From the look on his face, he's plotting to kill me in my sleep...
In other news, I am enjoying work and I am thrilled to be able to volunteer in the special education class at HAECC (Huntingdon Adult Ed. & Community Centre).  It's the same place that our cegep classes are held, and I am getting to know some amazing people.  If my life has a theme to it these days, it would be amazing people.  I feel like, for the first time in a really long time, I am relaxing into my life, into my relationships with the people around me, into my relationship with God.  For the past...well, lots of years, I have been living essentially in crisis mode. There have been so many losses.  So much instability.  I have clung to God through it all, often just hanging on by the hem of His garment while He was trying to get my attention long enough for me to stop wailing so that He could scoop me into His arms. He has grown me into a stability and peace that is based on faith in Him, not on circumstances or on people.  That doesn't mean my heart doesn't...or isn't...broken at times.  Or that I don't still weep. In fact, I weep more now than ever.  But I have experienced the peace that defies imagination, the peace that comes from faith in God, from the assurance of His love, and from walking so close to Him, the dust from His feet settles on my head.

I don't know whether things are actually settling down in my life or not. I do know that I feel settled.  I know that bumps, like the injuries from the fall, just are. I recently re-read a quote in my journal that I had stolen from a brilliant friend - "it is what it is". Ah, the peace that comes from acceptance. So if I cannot stride boldly, I will limp. And if I cannot limp, I will crawl.  And if I cannot crawl, I know a young man who's a whiz in a wheelchair, and who'll gladly give me lessons.  And I don't have to let the fact that I am lying in the mud with excruciating pain searing up my leg cloud the gratitude for the loving, concerned child who fully believes that the strength of his concern will be enough for his small self to pull me out of the mud and up to my feet.  And he wasn't wrong.

I wrote this on my Facebook profile page yesterday.  Thanks to God, it's still true today.

"Life is such an odd mixture of joy and sorrow, happiness and pain, often all jumbled together and rising up at one time. As a rule, I really can't tell whether my circumstances add up to be more positive or more negative, more joy or more pain. All I know is that without Jesus as my Lord, the good things would be engulfed and drowned in the sorrow of the bad. And with Jesus, there is life in the 
tears, promise in the pain, and hope in the path of sorrow. There is forgiveness for wrongs, healing for wounds, provision for the journey and strength for the trials. I don't know whether there is laughter behind the tears, or tears behind the laughter. All I know is that Jesus is in both the laughter and the tears. And I am loved. And so, so very grateful."  

Just a thought.

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