Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I shared with you, a few weeks ago, that Marc and I had separated. I haven't written much since, because I have been thinking about how to write about what I am going through, and praying for guidance and clarity. Normally, when things get rough like this, I stop writing. When my emotions are high and I am in pain, it is difficult enough to live with the words that come out of my mouth, let alone having to deal with ones in black and white.

This time, though, while I am deeply hurt and have moments of crazy-making pain, I feel generally calm and clear-minded. The writing that I have done concerning setting healthy boundaries was more than just writing. I was living it as I wrote. Consequently, while setting healthy boundaries may have gotten my daughter and I kicked out of our home, it has also left us unbattered, unbruised, and uncrumpled. Is it possible to be whole and still deeply wounded? I think it is. I believe that sorrow is a pure emotion, that is often sullied by fear, anger, bitterness, resentment, etc. Sorrow can be comforted. Anger can't. Fear must be kicked out. Bitterness needs to be pulled out by the root. I am striving for sorrow, and while I have had my share of anger and fear, I'm trying not to let anything take root.

I have also debated whether or not I should continue writing as I go through this. The fact that at one point I was ordered not to makes the decision that much easier. One of the primary ways people who try to dominate others pave the way for their activities is by silencing their victims. Don't think, don't question, don't tell. Since I don't believe in coincidences, it was significant to me that on the day I was ordered to stop writing about boundaries, I received an email from a woman whom I had never met. She had read one of my blog entries and had seen herself in some of the descriptions of bullying behavior. She thanked me for giving her something to think about. I felt so encouraged!

I write what I write primarily because I struggle with these issues, and I know that I am not alone. Yes, I have been a victim of bullying, but I have also indulged in bullying behavior. I know that people will read these posts and see themselves in the descriptions. The road to freedom begins with courageous, honest self-evaluation. I understand that some will be enraged, believing that I am purposely targeting them, while others will feel the sting of recognizing themselves and respond thoughtfully, humbly, with repentance and healing.

My purpose is never to demean, insult or humiliate anyone. I am also sincerely trying not to use this blog as a means of addressing some of the slander, gossip and lies that are swirling around concerning my daughter and I. A friend of mine recently sent me a message, encouraging me to "remain myself" as I go through this trial. Wise words. We often think that others steal ourselves from us in times like this, when we become bitter and vengeful at the hurts inflicted on us. The truth is, no one can steal me away from myself. I can, though, give myself away by allowing myself to behave in ways that I never want to behave. What other people do to me is no excuse. When I react to the intentionally hurtful behavior of others with rage and hate, I lose myself. I also feel like crap. I hate what I become if I allow myself to become what I am trying to get away from. We who are learning to set boundaries for others must also learn to set boundaries for ourselves. If I will not allow someone else's rage to turn my world upside down, I can also choose not to allow my own rage to do the same.

As you can see, there is a lot to think about, a lot to examine and work out. That may be the direction my blogging will take. One thing is clear. I love my husband. I love him more now that I ever have. There is a time when love grows deeper and it is strengthened through forgiveness and acceptance of the person as they truly are, as opposed to who we thought they were in the beginning. The love I have for my husband now is built upon my choice. I chose to love him. I see that, like most of us, he has very few people in his life who are willing to see him as he really is, without excuse, and still love him deeply and enduringly. True love does not have to believe lies about another in order to maintain itself. It is a rough lesson to learn, that the "yes" people in our lives are not the ones that love us the most. The people who love us the most are the ones who chose to say no to us when we need to hear no. God's unconditional love poured out onto others through us means that we love others when they are "bad", and that love and loyalty gives us the freedom to say no when we need to. It doesn't make us popular, but it makes us real.

So, yes, I am going to continue writing. I will strive to be honorable and loving and true to my husband, my family and myself as I write. I will, no doubt, make mistakes. That's what that handy little delete button is for. All I can do is my best, and as I know better, I will do better. Thank God. :)


Pastor Paul said...

I wish a million people could read your blog. Not believing for a moment that any of us is innocent, it is amazing to read between the lines here and see God working his grace through you. In our weakness he reveals himself and provides strength.

My heart breaks for you and your daughter as well as your husband. No one should ever be bullied or manipulated and God has set this example for us, always giving us choices and never pushing us. But you are all victims here and I am praying for all of you.

Kelly said...

Thank you so much, Pastor. What an encouragement. God is soooo good. :)

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