Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Warning...broken heart ahead...

I probably should warn you that this is going to one of those weepy, wailing posts that sometimes pour out of people in broken relationships. So bow out now if you're not in for a downer.

Tonight I heard a particularly ugly bit of slander about my daughter and I. I think one of the most difficult things about a broken relationship is that when we're in the relationship and feeling all trusting and safe, we could never imagine our deepest secrets and vulnerabilities shared with people who hate us, as revenge for not being "the one". The sense of betrayal is brutal. And I don't get it.

What kind of person would say such rude things about a child? What kind of person carries that kind of hate in their hearts? What kind of person slanders the woman who gave a loved one the meds that possibly saved his life, and certainly saved his brain, and then cared for him gladly for months? What kind of person...?

I don't get it, and because I don't get it, I never seem able to see it coming or protect myself from it. I can't protect my child from it either, which hurts most. I feel guilty for ever exposing her to this kind of hatred. I just never saw it coming.

I'm not sure that asking what kind of person does these sorts of things is the right question. I don't ever want to be able to "get it". Part of the reason people have the freedom to do this sort of thing is because, as much as they hate me, they know I am restrained by my faith from returning the favor. Secrets shared with me are kept with me. There are things that should never be kept secret, like abuse, but even abuse can be spoken about with respect and care. My heart is never to slander anyone, and when I receive responses from people that I don't even know who have read what I have written about bullying, people who feel hope, or who are pledging to examine their own behavior for bullying tendencies, then I know that God's voice has been heard, honest and hopeful, in my writing. That's my goal. It's God's call on my life.

I admit that I am not quite in the place at this moment when I want to pray for these people yet. That probably has more to do with having my child slandered than anything else. That's just plain dark. But I can pray that I will get to the place where I will be able to pray for those who are selling their souls for a chance to hurt other human beings.

If you are reading this, and you pray, please pray for me. Having said all of this, I am still really, really hurt. I just want to crawl into bed. It's not about the slander. I mean, really, who cares? It's about the betrayal of one that I love, and one that I hoped, in some small way, at least cared about my daughter and I. Physically I am hurting, and so that makes it all harder to bear.

Still, God is speaking these words to my heart, "They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me. " Psalm 18:18-19

My sweet Lord.

4 comments:

Wendy said...

This makes me so sad for you. And even when we know that He will take care of us, and He will comfort us, it is still always that much harder when our child is involved. There is no pain worse then when we hurt for our children. I pray that you find some relief, and that you feel God's arms around you. {{{hugs}}}

Kelly said...

Thank you, Wendy. Gracie was at her grandma's and called, wanting to come home. On the way to get her, I realized that my anger had drained out of me when my child called and needed me. Then it occurred to me - imagine living life w/o an anger-drain. How sad would that be, to be stuck with so much anger? Made it easier to pray. I still feel sad, but w/o the anger, God's love is comforting. Thanks for praying for us!

lynndrennan said...

Oh Kelly,I'm so sorry for what you are going through! It rough and tough I know! I pray God will hear your prayer's and comfort you and Grace in every way! Pour a shower of blessings upon you and hold you up hight in these times! I pray for you and Grace with all my heart! Loving and Missing you!

Diane said...

Oh Kelly, my heart goes out to you and Grace. I am so sorry for the way you are being treated. Jehovah says that revenge is his and rightly so because in the hands of people it will be abused. When people are angry they often wrongly choose to relieve their own pain by inflicting pain on others. They wrongly think that they will somehow feel better if they can make someone else feel worse than they are feeling. I pray that God will cover you so that the arrows of those that want to hurt you will slide off of you like oil on a new Tfal frying pan. Stand in his grace my dear sister and be comforted there.

My Zimbio