Feeling safe...

The other day I was on Skype talking to Brian about some painful incidents from the past, and as I described what had happened, without even being aware of it, I started to become upset.  I didn't realize it until Brian, with a look of concern, gently interrupted me and said, "Kelly, it's okay. I'm not arguing with you. You are safe now."

I had worked myself into a self-protective, defensive, wounded state. When Brian reached through the distance and touched me with his gentleness, I stopped and just blinked at him. I wanted to cry. I was surprised at how upset I was. And I realized that I was safe.

Usually when I talk about difficult things from the past, I can do it with a fair amount of detachment.  While healing and forgiveness are on-going, I have welcomed the process and have been walking towards healing for quite a while.  One of the reasons forgiveness is often a process and not a one time thing is because the memory of hurts from the past can continue to hurt.  Every time I feel the hurt, I have to choose to forgive again. The number of people that I feel that I can safely talk to about these things is small and I cherish every one of them.

I know now that the reason I had such a strong emotional reaction when talking to Brian about my past is because I do trust him.  I felt safe.  That is a wonderful feeling.  The past two years have been a journey towards this time in my life, when I can feel a sense of security and safety, probably for the first time that I can remember.  I have been growing in my trust of God's care for me, and have been learning to relax in His love and provision.  All along, God has used people to help me see and feel His care. Dear people who listened to me, prayed for and with me, helped me in practical ways and beyond anything I could have imagined, people who guarded me and loved me, encouraged and supported me and reached out in love to my daughter as well.

Ultimately, though, when adrenaline ran through my veins, when the past flowed from my lips in words of memory that triggered anxiety and hurt, when the kind green eyes and gentle, loving words invited me to rest and be safe, the moment came when I had to make a choice to trust. To receive the love that made me safe. To be safe.

I am safe.  I still don't think I grasp it fully. Safe. Wow.  I know this doesn't mean that nothing bad will ever happen. I also know that I have found a place to rest my heart, a place that has been prepared for me by God, a place that I love being, that makes me laugh and sing and feel loved and beautiful and silly and if not whole, then certainly close to it. And on my way.

And I know that more than anything else, I want to be a safe place for Brian, too.  I don't receive this gift lightly, and I pray that I never take it for granted.  I am feeling very grateful tonight. Grateful, and safe.  Nice.