Monday, March 8, 2010

The Perils of Blogging

For months now I have been trying to blog more consistently, and trying to promote (insert inner cringe) my blog in hopes that more readership would lead to motivation to keep writing. At any given time I have a mind full of blog-worthy thoughts and ideas. Still, writing is one of the most painfully difficult things that I do. Blogging is hard. Ironically, not blogging is also hard.

I've been praying about this a lot. I believe that God knows me better than I know myself, and so these things rightly belong in His hands. This morning, I was thinking about blogging, and the thought occurred to me to write a few little-known things that might surprise people about me. The first two that came immediately to mind were that I have a closely guarded cache of anger in me, and that I also carry a lot of sorrow within me. I expected to come up with light-hearted things, like the fact that I ate jumbleberry pie for breakfast this morning and that I let my dog kiss me on the lips. Huh. Who knew?

When I was a kid, I used to hide deep, painful depression and sorrow in humor. When I became a Christian, God's intimacy with me and love for me made it safe to feel sorrow and rage and pain and loss. When I write w/joy or humor now, it is because I feel these things. If I write something funny, I am often giggling as I write it. I write like I cook - events, flavors, ideas, scents thrill me and the first thing I do when I am thrilled is long to share the thrillingness so I plate and serve the good things for anyone who is interested, and even some who aren't.

It is hard, though, really hard to write the darker things. I am not trying to hide things. I just don't know how to open up the darker parts of myself without sounding like a crazy person because I can literally be in the throes of misery and the rooster will show up at the door and start crowing or Mini will unexpectedly sneeze in my face and my pitiful cries to God will have resulted in, if not a problem solved, then love received. Hope breaks in on me in all manner of unexpected and weird ways.

I think that the problem I am having is two-fold. I am struggling to find my voice as a writer. And I am in need of courage to use my voice when I find it. I am afraid of being judged. Lectured. Pitied. Scolded. There have been times in my life where my honesty about my weaknesses and pain have resulted in others twisting and using their version of my story to further their own agendas. I used to say, all the time, that I wanted to "live out loud for God", so that others would know who He was to me, in me, for me. Since then, I have been labeled a lousy motherand wife, an adulterer, a liar, sexually immoral, an addict, emotionally unstable...the list goes on. Even admitting this gives me anxiety, because I am not complaining. I am explaining why living out loud has become so scary. I told my story over and over again, thinking that the reason lies were spreading was because the truth just wasn't known. But there were other reasons for the lies that had nothing to do with me. And we all know that once lies are sent out into the world, there is very little chance of correcting them. I allowed myself to be muzzled by fear. Okay. So I am trying to hide things. Ouch.

There is a Bible verse that says that if God is for us, who can be against us? I think I will find my blogging voice buried somewhere under the fear, and since the spirit of fear has not been given to me by God, He is the one I will go to for it's removal. I don't think this will be easy. Or pleasant. Or fun. I don't want to get to the place where I can throw my truth out into the world and not care a whit about what anyone thinks. I do care. I love people. I want to make a difference in this world and to approach others with the softness and gentleness that comes from being a cherished child of God and knowing it. This is a vital part of the sound of my voice. I want my courage to come from love, from peace, from a deep abiding sense of security and hope. I don't want it to come from anger.

In any case, I think the very act of clicking "Publish Post" will be the beginning of a journey for me. To find courage. To find my voice. To learn to truly live out loud. But first and foremost, to grab tightly onto God's hand, because there is no way I'm heading out onto this journey alone!


Aunt Gina said...

clicking on the "publish" button is an act of bravery unto itself.

Kelly said...

Thank you. It felt like it. :)

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