Anyone want a postcard from Limbo-land?

I probably should apologize in advance, because I think this post might be a bit of a vent.  Or, at least a whine.  Or a grumble.  Oh, no, wait, Christians aren't supposed to grumble.

*Heh - I just pictured all my non-Christian friends frowning in confusion. Christians aren't supposed to grumble?  Has nobody let them know about this yet? Oh yeah, we know. That's why we call it "venting". Venting seems to pass under the radar.  Whew.*

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, venting.  I tried to put off posting in the hopes that I would find myself waking up full of good cheer and ready to write something uplifting, or motivational, or at least funny.  I have a kitten in the house.  Kittens are mewing, fuzzy, purring, big-eyed little bundles of funny.  I should be able to handle funny.

*Which reminds me, this morning I was in bed with my tea and a Star Trek book (don't judge me, or I WILL bite you!), and kitten came up and started sniffing around my teacup, purring invitingly.  I let him look into the cup, and was going to let him have a sip. (see previous warning about judging) Apparently he didn't expect it to be as hot as it was, because he took a sip, leapt 2 feet in the air, did a back-flip and landed on his feet by my leg, shaking his head and rubbing his muzzle with his front paw.  And not purring anymore. It took a considerable amount of love and kisses to get the purring going again, but I have since been forgiven, although teacups are on the newly minted "stay-the-heck-away-from" list.*

But, I digress.  The cheery/morning thing?  Isn't going to happen.  At least, not any time soon. 

I have been quiet lately, and very introspective.  As an introvert, I enjoy time spent in my own head.  Usually.  The hard thing about being an introvert, though, is that when there are painful things going on in my life, it is very difficult to get a break from the thoughts and emotions that accompany the difficulties.  I am tired.  I am tired of being in pain all of the time. And if that sounds extreme, it is.  I haven't known a day without some level of physical and emotional pain for years.  That is extreme.  This isn't the whining part either. I'm just stating facts.  I am tired. 

I am also discouraged.  And irritated by the fact that somehow, I keep thinking that I should be handling things better than this.  Forget that there are people who think that about me as well.  No, seriously, forget that.  They aren't even registering on my radar here.  I can't say that what other people think doesn't matter, because there are some people in my life whose opinions I deeply value.  These are people who have earned the right to speak into my life, with their love, loyalty and commitment to me.  Really, the only opinions that matter belong to God and me, and I am frustrated that as gracious and kind as God is to me always, I still keep feeling like I should be stronger, braver, better. 

I am in an awkward place, where I am well into the process of letting go of past events, pain, relationships and people, but the future that I am hungrily reaching for is not ready for me yet.  That's it!  Limbo!  I'm in limbo!  The words of the day? Patience.  Trust.  Hope.  God is asking me to trust that what He is preparing for my future is good, and made perfect for me.  And that His timing is right on schedule.  Jesus wants to be my patience as I wait in this lonely, sad place.  He wants to be my trust, as I choose to believe that He is busy preparing a future for me that is rich and glorious and full of love and meaning.  And He wants to be my hope, that my future is real, that my longings are from Him and being looked after, that the desires of my heart are ever in His heart and mind, and yes, in His plans for me.

Of course, there are the dark voices, that come in the middle of the night, when I am alone, and speak lies that are not worthy to mention here.  And, forgive me dear Lord, sometimes I believe them.  And then, there is pain.

But whatever this limbo place is, it's not big enough for us all, so the dark voices have to go.  This is crowded, and a bit dusty (is that the desert sun I feel on my face?), but I guess it is home for now.  Don't get me wrong, though.  I'm not settling in.  I don't belong here, in limbo.  I have felt my future, as it brushed the tips of my straining, reaching fingers.  I may not be ready for it yet, and it may not be ready for me, but one day we will be meet, and I want to be packed and ready to go.

And it is entirely possible that part of being ready for the life, love and challenges that lie ahead of me is being able to be open and honest about my feelings, even the bad ones.  To be able to say that I am tired and sick and discouraged, without feeling shame or guilt. 

After all, I've got to do something, here in Limbo-land.  Might as well use the time to get ready for...well, whatever is next!

Just a thought.